30 during 30: December 2015

I have to get this one on the page while it's still fresh in my mind. I just wrapped up trying a sensory deprivation tank for the first time. Out of all of my 30 for 30 I've enjoyed most of my experiences. Not this one; I've never tried any type of drug (alcohol excluded) or have I ever cared to. I think this is probably the closest I'll ever get to a drug trip. Now, I'm not saying this was a bad time or that I regret doing it. This thing opened my mind to a place I didn't expect.

For those of you that don't know, a sensory deprivation tank is the ice box looking thing behind me in the picture. It's filled with about 8" of salt water that's heated to the body's temperature. The air inside is also regulated to body temperature to give you a feeling of weightlessness. Everything is pitch black inside; like can't see your hand in front of your face dark. This is all to give you a relaxing experience and leave you alone with your own thoughts.

Not a great idea for me. Although this is always something I've wanted to do and would try it a second time if someone really wanted to go. I wouldn't really recommend it, not unless you have a strong sense of yourself and what you're limitations are. Luckily I had my little brother try this out with me and he had a completely different experience.

From the moment I laid down in that water I was a little skeptic. I chose to go in the buff to get the full experience to try and avoid any distractions. I really thought I'd just spend an hour worrying about work and stupid things beyond my control. Boy was I wrong. The first thing that happened as soon as I was relaxed enough to shut my mind off I saw images of screaming faces. A small purple swirling blob which morphed into faces and at one point Batman's cowl. It didn't really scare me but more or less just kind of made me think of how F'd up are my thoughts going to be if this is the first thing right off the bat. I don't have any trouble sleeping at night and it's pretty easy for me to shut my mind off when I need to. Being naked in this tube I had small bubbles roll off me which distracted me enough to pull me out of those images.

Not long after that I saw green circles and had started to wander making some connection to an odd moment in my childhood that overwhelmed me with a feeling of guilt. All of a sudden I remembered accepting $20 in advance for a car I was supposed to wash when I was 10. I never did wash that car and have always felt bad about it. Fast forward to my teenage years when I was supposed to build a rockery in exchange for a new bed..which I still sleep on every night. I never built that rockery. Link that to me being 25 and buying my first home. The lady that spent hours with me, interviewing, processing and going to work for me to secure my loan. Which I switched last minute to use a different lender. She wrote me a letter telling me how I stole food out of her child's mouth and that it was one of the most insulting things a person has ever done to her. Connect that to every girl I've ever gone out with and never called back. For no reason or another that we just didn't connect and then complaining when the same thing has happened to me. Overwhelming guilt, for letting some of my best friends in the world become strangers. Or broken promises of visiting aunties I haven't seen in years. I bumped the side of the tank and snapped out of my guilt trip.

Line of pink with blue lightning lingering down into a blue cats cradle of strings. Strings that touched all over the universe. All of the connections I've ever made. All of the connections I may have missed. Where were these people? Have I done them wrong? Have we even met yet? Then blackness, a darker level of black taking me into a higher level of consciousness. I was able to hear my subconscious. Able to answer myself with an amount of clarity only your soul could see.

Am I doing the right thing? Yes..You're exactly where you're supposed to be. Is my career choice the correct one? Yes..You're exactly where you're supposed to be. Am I doing enough for others in my life? Yes..you help more then you realize. What about love? Where is she? Where's the woman I'm supposed to end up with? .....Look, look, look, look....look, look, look, look, look.

A slight illumination of orange from the right corner of the tank. The more I look the more it fades. My body feels like its moved 90 degrees from its starting point. I must be near the corner better stretch out to make sure. My arms extend all the way out. Nowhere near a wall, nowhere near a corner. I practice my skydiving X shape. No extremities touch but I feel them. Feel my feet twitch like they're ready to move. Feel my fingers tingle like they're close to a wall. Another illumination of red out of the left side of the tank. I pull my left arm out of the water and can see it moving in a haze.

A calm of white puts me under again. Where am I? Can I communicate with the dead? I call out to the two most important people I've lost. But nothing..just an old recording of my Aunt on repeat saying coookie. Which is what she used to call the cat. What else can I ask myself? I ask if I need a faster car? Do I need a faster car? Do I...need a faster car? Do I need a faster car? Do I...need a faster car? Do I need a faster car? Do I...need a faster car? No answer there. It's about this time where I'm feeling like I've been in this thing long enough. I've had to ask myself if my eyes are open or closed at least half a dozen times. Blinking to answer myself.

Just like Inception there's supposed to be a music cue letting you know your time is almost up. I hear a woman's heels clicking. Click clack click clack click clack and pull my head out of the water. There's soothing music and it's time for me to sit up and make my way out. I shower off and get dressed. Then meet my brother outside. I tell him a few things and he practically spit takes the water he was drinking. His mind was empty, his room was blank..no colors, no guilt just a hot bathtub full of water.

Things I learned today:

Very seldom do expectations meet reality

A level of meditation and clarity are not always a good thing

Be aware of one's self and self interest

Communicate today and speak your mind as tomorrow is not guaranteed

Make time to relax, let go and breathe

30 during 30

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

What’s something you’ve always wanted to do?

#15 Try a Sensory Deprivation Tank