This day was a very long one with a morning full of disappointment and an evening full of bad decisions. I think the best way to get this off my chest is to just write it down and put it out there. Once you get the full story, my decisions...are at least I feel, are a lot more justified. I was hurt, I didn't want to admit it but I was feeling pretty stung and today felt as good a time as any.
For the past month I've been pursing this girl. From the moment we met I was intrigued and over the course of the month I was absolutely smitten. I'd never gone out with a girl like this before. Sweet, caring, innocent, a little naive, well balanced, stable with a good background and very similar values to my own. She was absolutely gorgeous, inside and out. The more I got to know her and the more time we spent together I really started to like her. Maybe I played it like too much of the nice guy. Flowers, handmade cards and carefully well thought out dates to impress her. But she always kept me at a distance and never showed that much interest now that I look back on it. I took it as she was just slightly aloof with a busy schedule and when there was time to fit me in I'd take it and make myself available. Chump work, but I'm a sucker for romance and this one felt right to me. I knew she wasn't ready for anything serious and I knew I'd have to take it slow. But the days would ache by and I wouldn't hear anything from her. All the signs pointed to her just not being that interested. So just when I'm about to write her off I get a text to go hiking and my excitement rises.
Days go by and we go on our hike. When we get to the top of the trail she totally Han Solo'd me.
I spill it out and explain that I really like her...Her response is "that's nice"
On the car ride back, I can't leave it alone. I need to be honest with my feelings and know now rather than later to avoid getting really hurt. Again I prod, "I know you're not ready for anything serious, but further down the line do you see it going that way?" She tells me "at this time it would be no"
It sucks, it stings, I thought she was different, that she could handle my nice guy nature. I know I can come on too strong but I'm an all in type of person and if I like you. You're going to know it..period
This is how assholes are created. Chop me down one too many times and what the fuck is left? I'll probably write a good screenplay out of it which is one of my 30 for 30's so there's a plus.
I had the rest of the day to process it. Think it all over and over again and again. I felt good, I had closure which is something I usually never get with girls that drop me like a hot rock. Most of the time they just disappear without rhyme or reason. At least I had that...and it put me at a comfortable ease. The thing I ended up realizing and actually which hurt the most was that she didn't care at all. It wasn't that she didn't like me or that I had some terrible flaw or reason that she couldn't look past. It all came down to me being so insignificant to her that going out with me wasn't even on her radar. Probably not something she even thought about. A spec of dust, on a fly, a mile away. Her lowest priority..and that's what hurts. That's where the rest of the story comes in.
I felt comfortably numb the rest of the day. I surrounded myself with friends to try and avoid moping too much. Keep yourself busy and you won't have time to think about your problems. Another failed pursuit and another great glob of dating disaster stories for me to add to the list. I should collect all of my awkward dating stories...maybe make a blog about that too. Anyways, I'm skirting the story and trying to avoid writing about something I'm kind of ashamed of. I don't know why either. I didn't do anything wrong. But it does kind of change my perception of myself. Like all of a sudden I'm one of those creeper guys. Give it a little time and I'll snap out of it.
Trying to keep myself busy I accept an invitation to a buddy's friend's birthday party. Dust myself off, shower and get dressed up. My little brother had to give me some shit before I walked out the door. "Man, you're going out again already?!? You're like that beat up boxer with a bruised face going another 5 rounds." What's the worst that can happen? Let's go out and get a little shitty. I feel like shit why don't I just gloss over it with alcohol. We ended up at a pretty nice classy little microbrewery late for the party but earlier than everyone else. I met some new folks and bought a few rounds. It was an odd group of people. Friends of friends that didn't all fit the same molds. I ended up chatting with a few people at my end of the table. After a few beers my new friends invited me to hit up another bar around the corner. I wave to my buddy that I'll be back and take off with three strangers. Why not right? Let's make this night an adventure! We end up getting into their car and immediately they start joking about doing coke...what the Hell am I getting myself into? We go off somewhere I have no idea where and end up at some shit hole dive bar.
It's your classic dive bar..neon beer lights, old out of date sports posters, big bellied no teeth guys snugged up against the counter. A rough looking older bartender behind the counter pouring stiff drinks. My new cohort buys me a shot; uh oh another night of whiskey drinking. I chat it up with another one of my new friends as they start to bring over all their bar fly buddies. They're all taken in by my name as most drunk people are. "Vito, Vito, Vito, Vito ahhh like the Godfather! Vito Corleone" "Yes, yes something like that." Immediately I get that tough guy Italian stature despite me being being as soft as a kitten. I owe my new counterpart a shot for the one he bought me. I hand this guy a shot of whiskey and he seems smashed. Words are slurred, he's staggering and he drove us here. I have no idea how much time has passed, where I'm at or really who the Hell I'm with. He pours half his shot into my glass and I interrupt saying its about time to get me back because I left my tab open and the brewery is about to close. I get into the car with this drunk guy and he drives me back.
Good, familiar territory, bright lights my buddy waiting and working on his own buzz. Whiskey coursing through my veins I order another beer. I reconnect with the group and sit down on some comfy leather couches. We have a couple laughs and I end up spilling half my beer on my lap and shirt. At this point I don't really care. I'm lit up to the point where nothing really matters anymore.
One more drunk driver, public urination and public intoxication later we wind up at the strip club.
It's movie magic from the moment we walk in the door to sitting down near the stage. Everything I'd seen in the movies was pretty much how things were. Fat bouncer doorman ready to take a $20 cover from you. Neon lights and mirrors everywhere. Strippers all too eager to sit in your lap and try to coax money off you. I watch a few dancers do their thing but nothing too impressive. Seems like there was an A stage and B stage. Stage A had the pole dancers and stage B had well, the B dancers. A kinda big girl shaking and wobbling everything about. My buddy disappeared for a private dance and I had to make sure I got that side of the experience too. Finally a tall blonde came up to me and convinced me to go back with her. She said a lot of dirty things, and it was all fake. Lady, please, I'm in sales and whether you're selling sex appeal or heavy equipment parts I can spot when someone isn't genuine. Regardless, she did her job right because I probably spent way too much money there. As her whole song and dance came to an end she was feeding me a line of BS about how great a time she had and she really wanted to give me her number so I'd come back and see her again...I simply responded "that's nice."
We didn't stay much longer after that. The club had sucked us dry out of any extra money I was willing to spend. All the wonder and curiosity was now replaced by shame and guilt. I looked around at all the guys I now had to compare myself with. Taking my final glances around the place while walking out I caught the same blond pulling another victim into her web. Poor guy has no idea what he's getting into.
Things I learned today:
The prettier they are the harder you fall
I really need to slow down on my drinking
Fake interest, or real interest, women are masters of playing me like an instrument
Nice guys really do finish last
Time heals all wounds
Thanks for sharing this. I love how raw and honest you always write. I'm curious - was this on your list of things to do or did it get added last minute when the opportunity presented itself? Also, I really hope you're wrong and experiences like this won't slowly eat away at the good in you. I'm sorry she didn't see this but there aren't very many of your kind out there anymore and the fact that you feel ashamed and guilty after going to a strip club and have no problems admitting it is what makes you you and what I love about you.
ReplyDeleteBoth, it's always something that's piqued my curiosity and when the opportunity presented itself I took it. I hope so too, I really enjoy going all out with thoughtful little ideas. As well as being a proper gentleman displaying acts of chivalry. However, I do feel that I'll be more emotionally guarded. I just need to find that one girl that appreciates that level of kindness, instead of being creeped out by it. I think it's different for you and others who know me well because you know my true nature. You guys can see it as cute and sweet rather than overwhelming and intense. Thanks Hanna, I needed that little bit of reassurance.
ReplyDeleteThis might be my favorite post to date; it shows a vulnerability that most people aren't willing to let others see. Plus, you used the word smitten, a word I'm a huge fan of!
ReplyDeleteTwo pieces of advice:
Don't change who you are, or how you deal with matters of the heart. The right woman will love and appreciate your sensitive, chivalrous nature.
Don't ever again get in a car with an impaired driver. This world needs beautiful souls to help balance out the ugliness. We can't afford to lose you.